#we need to start calling adults out on their bs more

[snoweylily]

honestly? my life improved SO much when I started using "I'm not rewarding that behaviour" with adults instead of just small children and animals (especially adult men)

[the-moon-files]

Wait, quick idea! Twilight looks like the only hylian in his village because everyone else has round ears, so what if he wasn’t as surprised as the others to see their human companion so resilient, but still fairly impressed because of the fact that most if not all people in his village don’t put themselves in as drastic situations as the reader? Or is this just humans from our world?

get out of my head lmao /lh - you, me, and wayfayrr are actually the same person on diff accounts LMAO

im of the belief that (blame @wayfayrr, my beloved) that he knows of humans bc of some in his village but yeah, just not the type of human in drastic situations

(ALSO they wrote me a fun, long, glorious, male reader human space orc au fic for winning their raffle a bit ago, and it brings up their headcanon abt this and i Adore It actually, check it out here pls if u wanna know🤲)

(also if u see this wayfayrr, sorry for the ping, also should i be calling u moss? or wayfayrr?? idk which, i hope thats even ok to ask 😭 i assumed u would call my ass Moon)

Moon: Male-Masc Reader (he/him)

Orbit: short headcanons-ish, rambling mostly

Stars: Twilight Princess Link (Twi/Twilight), mentions of other Links

Comets & Meteors: CWs: none known, & TWs: none known.

Please comment if I missed any. /gen

to reiterate what i said up there, in case u skipped it for the bullet points,

i like the headcanon he knows humans, knows some of their quirks, and how they were the first ppl the other hylian villagers called on to help stuck cows or downed wagons, lots of heavy lifting stuff

but he really hasnt seen the extent of real humans, bc the humans who were in Ordon, well, they lived in hylian society,

why would they need the adrenaline to lift a car when hylians have set up whole tools and systems in all their towns to help lift just a full bucket of water out of the well??

not to mention, i think all the humans in his village were older adults? like at least not the age theyd be doing things like parkour or going to any trampoline parks type of age,

id imagine its more like stories talked about amongst hylians how hard humans can go, and even the humans themselves talked abt things like,

“well compared to u hylians, we have stomachs made of molten lava to you guys really, but we never have to use it, bc u know hylian food works just fine”

when Twi asked they would say stuff like that, but as soon as he saw ur human ass just picking wildflowers and berries off the side of the road to snack on? even random grasses/vines at some point (kudzu)?? easily eating Wild’s Dubious Food that's DEFINITELY got monster parts in it???! gnawing on the bone of a cucco and it just breaks??!!! and you look surprised too, thank fuck finally a normal reaction from u- oh my goddesses u were just curious (damn the elders were right abt human curiosity too) **and are now sucking out the marrow and eating the bone-!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twilight’s perspective of you is actually the equivalent of like, reading stories about vampires all ur life, then this new friend you made starts to get allergic to garlic, crave blood, has crazy strength and advanced senses, etc

and he’s just watching those honest-to-Hylia human mythological feats play out in real time in front of him, like he’s the only self-aware character in the story that immediately clocks the really obvious vampire as a vampire lmao

is the first to either 1. start choking on his laugh as he theoretically knows ur about to jump on the back of a lynel/hinox to ride it around and watch as the others come to the same conclusion OR 2. try to Stop you from jumping on said big monster in an attempt to ride it around bc he gets used to ur human BS quicker than the others and can see it coming a mile away now lol

very much so this meme:

(ur welcome i made it myself <3)

anyway id love to rant abt this dynamic

abt both Twi’s shock at you eating peppers like a god has come down from the sky to prove their immortality,

but also poor rancher esstientally humansitting you too lmao

the Chain/Time/Wars absolutely put him down as the resident human expert like: “ok he just drank like, 5? No- Four stop him from drinking more at least- (dual sighs). okay, 6 stamina potions, will that kill him??”

Twilight, saviour of Hyrule, of the Twili, Link from Twilight Princess himself,

has to keep a record book of all the new shit he’s heard/learned about humans in Ordon, what he has actively learned abt ur ass just fucking around and finding out, and the few bread crumbs of information u give him abt ur species

(that rlly just come off as kind of cryptid statements abt u/humanity, or don't apply in this scenario bc ur only comparison is Earth Rules, which honestly scare every single fucking one of them in the same way as walking on Ganon’s lawn or something, like straight up view ur home planet as enemy territory, the Amazon jungle, the Hyrule wilds if you will-)

Twilight also gets involuntarily volunteered for human-sitting duty too

tbh the only person Not allowed on human-sitting duty, when u guys go new areas esp, is Wild/Hyrule

you’d tell him you wanna get inside the guardian robot to operate it and ride it around and he’d probably be in shock you even fathomed something like that, yet also now EXTREMELY intrigued to watch it play out

(they’re both more of a “u wanna jump off a cliff?? that's actually crazy, wait for me please.” he seems to think he can somehow protect you if he joins you? its worked sometimes to be fair to him ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ just not really conveniently when the rest of the Chain are around lmao)

☆

i live btw, ive been writing/updating fics along with life updates (moving states/new job/online class) so a few asks will hopefully be answered over here in the next 2ish weeks

no promises, my life is kinda girlbossing at the moment too close to the sun and i am Nervous abt disappointing u guys

i already feel like im disappointing my other blog bc i haven't posted in forever bc im writing a fic instead of asks during any free time i dedicate to writing for it so :/

pls excuse my super slowness like a package ur waiting for in the mail or smth type of slow

AGAIN thanks for the ask!! i hope this was at least entertaining to read as some addon to what u said, you guys have gotta check out some of wayfayrr’s stuff if ur into this, bc they're the only other place i can think of that's talked abt humans not just being the same as hylians

have a great week!!

Peace out hugs and chaos,

🌙

[creature-wizard]

"I'm in a bad place and need to get out, what can I do?"

I figured I'd make a post with all the resources/tips I've collected to help people get out of shitty situations so far, since it's easier than linking to a bunch of posts each time.

Seek out appropriate resources. This can include support groups (online or offline), helplines, and the like.

If you're in the US, you can call 211 to help you find resources.

Crisis Text Line offers services to the US, Ireland, Canada, and the UK.

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is a US service offers a lot of information for sexual abuse survivors.

The Trevor Lifeline is a service for queer youth in the US.

If you're a minor, you may wish to read How To Escape Abusive Parents: A Guide For Minors.

If you're an adult, you may wish to read How To Escape Abusive Parents: A Guide For Adults.

You might search on Qwant for like something like "resources for people in abuse" or "abuse resources help" or "domestic violence survivors resources".

Ask people for help in finding resources. If you can't find anything on your own, there are other people who know where to direct you. It might take awhile to find what you're looking for, but keep asking.

A WORD OF CAUTION: there are many predatory spiritual groups and conspiracy theorists out there who prey on abuse survivors and mentally ill people. You will often see these people claiming that channeling or hypnosis can help you remember past life memories or repressed traumatic memories. This is nonsense and quackery.

Relevant posts of mine:

Hypnosis is unreliable for memory recovery, and this is one way we know.

False past life memories among the starseed movement

Here’s the trouble with hypnotic regression…

If you're on a website that claims to support cult survivors and you see any of these names in the citations (and make sure you check the citations!), leave immediately - all of these people are far right conspiracy theorists. (Unfortunately, many people today are unwittingly perpetuating the BS of Fritz Springmeier in particular. See this and this for more info on that.)

Change who and what you surround yourself with. Start associating with different people/groups as much as you can. Get hobbies to fill your time. Unfollow blogs that reinforce the beliefs you're trying to get away from, and follow blogs that provide a healthier alternative.

You might follow blogs like:

A Kind Place

Trauma Survivors Helping Trauma Survivors

Compassionate Reminders

Trauma Survivors Activities

Reasons For Hope

Bluest Fluff

If you're trying to rebuild your worldview without conspiratorial/culty elements, go take a look at my Resources page.

Remember that your first job is looking after yourself. You don't owe the group. You aren't responsible for the group, or for anyone in it. It might feel that way, but it's vitally important to acknowledge when you're unqualified or suffering burnout. You might feel like bad things will happen if you leave, but that's a fear, not a fact.

You also don't have to justify your departure to the group. You can just leave. If you feel that you must give a reason, you can offer something as simple as "I need to take some time to focus on my mental health" or "I'm really busy lately and don't have time to spend here." If they throw a fit over this, that's honestly just more proof that you need to get out.

If any practices the group taught you actually helped, you can keep doing them. If doing affirmations helped you, keep doing affirmations. If listening to so-called healing frequencies actually made you feel better, you don't have to stop listening to them. If you were practicing something like the Law of Assumption, you can carry on with a lot of that under a psychological model rather than Neville Goddard's wacky metaphysical model. (See this video for an example.) If it genuinely helps you and doesn't hurt anyone else, by all means, keep doing it.

You might look at my Manifestation Without Woo posts:

Manifestation Without Woo: Changing Your Brain

Manifestation Without Woo: People React To Your Projections, & Your Projections Affect Your Perceptions

Manifestation Without Woo: Setting Reasonable Goals

Manifestation Without Woo: Make It Fun!

Manifestation Without Woo: What If It's Not Working?

Get some critical thinking skills. In order to keep yourself from falling into another bad group, it's important to develop your critical thinking skills.

Learn to apply the Five W's (who, what, when, where, and why) when encountering any information.

Learn common logical fallacies.

Learn the difference between fact, opinion, belief, and prejudice.

Don't equate emotional reactions with some kind of innate or higher moral guidance.

Ask yourself if you're "thinking for yourself" or being led to believe you're thinking for yourself.

Know what emotional manipulation tactics look like.

Watch out for these behaviors in any new group you join.

Yes, there are ways to confirm the age of an old text without having the original text itself.

Learn how propaganda works.

Watch out for these red flags in spiritual groups.

And watch out for this red flag.

Understand that belief doesn't have to be binary.

So yeah, hopefully this'll give folks some actionable advice. I can't promise it's going to help each and every person out there, but hopefully it'll give a lot of you something that will help.

[almacambiondaughterofsaleos]

Stolas Being Made Into A 30 Something Year Old Really Contributed To His Infalization

Ever since it was revealed this version of Stolas was only 30 something years old (despite not making since when he's mythologically supposed to be one of the demons who fell from heaven while a cult knows him by name), the story tries to make him into this sheltered baby who doesn't know better. And the fandom goes along with it because of the fact that they really don't hold Stolas accountable for anything and just blame his inexperience. It's in contrast with season one Stolas who is ignorant but you get the feeling he's actually capable and not a helpless baby. Also his age was more vague and you even feel that despite being casual with Blitzo he still seems to be someone who could smite him if he displeased him. That danger is swept away so we could get a coddled softboy who proclaims all his powers come from the grimoire when in "Truth Seekers" that contradicts his statement.

The plot only allows Stolas to be as powerful as he needs to be, especially if they want to make him sympathetic. It's harder to make him be soft if he's depicted as the season one guy who was shown to actually have bite and not just whine for others to help him. Essentially Stolas was retconned from this truly unsettling being to a safe edgy version for the shippers. They can now just coddle this pos who has been abusing this imp because of bad childhood, so-called abusive wife, and lonely bs. They can make him out to be he's like Rapunzel who doesn't know the outside world that much while many other stuff shows that it's bs when time and before he has interacted outside the usual Goetia circle and could at least treat people with more respect than he's shown. But again that ruins that soft boy can do no wrong mentality they have for him.

Even if he's 30 something you should still expect him to act like an adult and not just treat him like he's a toddler. His own daughter seems to be more mature than him. Seriously, Octavia is a teen and she doesn't act as obnoxiously whiny and entitled as this pos. No, Octavia has the same excuse of sheltered but she doesn't behave like her dad which his stands seem to ignore. He frequently goes out his way to ignore people's feelings and no amount of that sheltered and abuse excuse makes it okay. It becomes tiring when people tell him and set him straight but he never listens. It's one thing to be sheltered but it's another to ignore people's protests then get offended when they start getting fed up with him. He needs to grow up and stop being a coddled overgrown baby.

[salternateunreality2]

Kunsel says:

We should maybe have a stricter definition of what counts as "hacking", okay?

It was a slow day at work, and he decided to guess people's email passwords in 10 attempts.

How does it go?

YESSSSSSSSS

Pro tips: make your password long, that is the most important factor. Use a password manager, most of them have a free option. Adding complexity does help, but focus on length first. Size does matter here. Multi-factor authentication (MFA) also helps a lot.

---------

Kunsel: Zack, gimme your password!

Zack: ...

Kunsel: Come on man, I need it for something!

Zack: 😭😭😭 buddy I would, but I forgot it again 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Kunsel: Ok man, it's ok, let's look around your desk...here, under this pile of chip bags, I think i saw...yeah, here's the penguin toy...and yep, Password Penguin has "Zack'ss00p3rp4ssw0rd!" written on the bottom. Let's try it!

(it works)

Zack: THANK YOU KUNSEL I THOUGHT I'D LOST HIM AND I COULDN'T REMEMBER AND-

Kunsel: *wheeze* Zack let go, I need to breathe *wheeze*

-----------

Kunsel tries to guess Roche's by typing it in.

M0t0rcycle!

ShinyDancer

Sh1n33D4nc3r!

He's in.

------------

Kunsel tries to guess Sephiroth's. On the 9th try, he gets it: Seph+Jenova4ever

Horrible things are uncovered along the way and now he needs to send Sephiroth some information very discreetly.

------------

Lazard. Kunsel knows better. He gives a few guesses, but decides to actually hack this.

He sets up a hash capturing tool over the internal network and waits for Lazard to log on. He does. Kunsel captures the hash and starts cracking it.

Three days later, the hash cracker has not worked and he has to give up on that.

Kunsel: Sir, I need to get into your email, will you please send me your password?

Lazard: Of course not, that is unsafe and against company policy. However, you're welcome to come to my office to perform any actions we both deem necessary.

Kunsel goes over and Lazard is using multifactor authentication, so just having the hash cracked wouldn't have worked anyway. He sets up a keylogger surreptitiously on Lazard's workstation while "performing updates" and showing Lazard new features in his email.

The things he captures with that keylogger:

* Numerous emails covering for boneheaded shit the SOLDIERs did.

* The letter "A" typed about a thousand times into a text file labeled "definitely not screams.txt".

* Moogle searches for "how to convince your employees to get therapy", "pasta recipes", "therapists near me", "child psychology for adults", "play therapy for adults", "cat psychology", and "shrimp pasta recipes".

* The password: &oh'ihiy_-8_gi"it"gi_ipkb0(-ur#3-@--LXS4ever--9(9;0(!08(098+pihjboigig(@ukopih

Then it is a simple matter of finding a zero-day race condition hack in the MFA software, timing things just right, and entering the password and hacked MFA key at the perfect moment.

Kunsel of course has pity on the man after seeing even more emails such as...

* Explaining to Roche that doing squats over his motorcycle makes it look like he's humping it, and it is making people uncomfortable.

* Asking Genesis to please not actually firaga the recruits this week, they don't need a lawsuit. No, it's not character building. No, even though it was part of his home training and Shinra sanctioned training a few years ago.

* Inviting Sephiroth over for shrimp pasta to discuss strategy.

* Asking Angeal to seek therapy so the others will follow his lead.

* Telling Zack that he could not have a therapy flamingo in the office. Even if it was a lawn ornament.

* Warning Hojo not to take Sephiroth this week.

* Warning Hollander not to take Genesis and Angeal this week.

* Reaming Heidegger out very politely for all his BS.

Kunsel logs out without doing anything. Lazard needs a break.

--------

Kunsel calls Angeal pretending to be the help desk. Angeal, a bit embarrassed over his upbringing and unsure because he feels unused to technology, eventually gives Kunsel the password: BanoraBoys123!

----------

Genesis' is guessed on the 7th try because Kunsel didn't want to bother typing in an entire stanza of Loveless with numbers instead of vowels.

1nf1n1t3_1n_myst3ry_1s_th3_g1ft_0f_th3_g0dd3ss__w3_s33k_1t_th7s_4nd_t4k3_t0_th3_sky_r1ppl3s...

He sends an email from Genesis inviting everyone to a Loveless recital on Tuesday. It backfires because several people, including Genesis, show up and have a great time.

-----------

Kunsel tries Zack's little trooper friend next. He's a tough nut to crack. He won't pick up his PHS to get vished, won't click on Kunsel's phishing emails, and won't tell Zack or Kunsel his password.

Kunsel captures his hash and cracks it. It takes a full 24 hours, but he gets it in the end:

!1986fuck_this_shit

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

Seeing Ian in season 1 puts into perspective the amount of BS he had to go through. Like when I think of things I wish were addressed with more weight, Ian's abuse at the hands of older men is one of them. I know Ian doesn't see it that way but others do (Mickey and Lip) and it feels like it's constantly glossed over. Lip says he wanted to call the police on Kash but he couldn't bring himself to do it. A scene of that would've reinforced just how wrong it is, instead of the situation ending with Kash is a sad middle-aged man and that's why Ian shouldn't want him. Not, Kash is a predator and Ian is a victim.

We can also talk about how both Lip and Debbie are victims of grooming. Grooming was never seriously addressed on the show.

i’m actually so pissed that grooming was never addressed as it was such a big issue for ian, debbie, lip, and also kind of carl but not really (with lori i think her name was, his boss). the only time grooming is ever brought up is with tami but it’s just a one episode thing and it’s irrelevant to the plot tbh.

ian’s situation devastates me because he never ends up thinking it’s wrong. he was constantly objectified by these older men he was with, too. to them he was seen as just a “boy toy” or the “forbidden fruit”. not only were his relationships with kash and ned creepy, but the guys at the club, too. for example, the one who dragged him out of the club, barely conscious, after giving him a roofie. ian graciously accepted the pill like he was used to it, and he probably was. he let this guy drug and grope him, and i always see people saying “imagine what would’ve happened if mickey hadn’t come” and i’ll tell you what would’ve happened, he would’ve been raped. and i can guarantee you with how used to it he was, it had happened before. and i’ll say more about this with lip and debbie, but i firmly believe the reason he indulged into these relationships was to fill the void frank created.

debbie’s situation is also devastating. if you recall, when lip was trying to convince ian that what happened with kash was wrong/grooming people is wrong, he said “ok so what if it was debbie and a 30 year old dude”, ironically, in the next season she gets with a 20 year old dude who for some fucking reason, a good percentage of the fandom sympathizes with/sides with. here’s the real deal: matty groomed her. he was into her, knowing she was 13, but didn’t want to have sex with her, in fear of himself going to prison. prison was the only thing stopping him, he said it himself that he thought she was sexy and wanted to. and before anyone says anything about how debbie did tell him she was 16 at first when he first started to like her, he could obviously tell. the point was that it was obvious she was lying. and yeah, what debbie did was wrong. i’ve said a lot about this before, but what he did was wrong, too. he led her on, flirted with her, promised to have sex with her, slept in the same bed as her, and also talked to all of her friends for some reason, he was a creep!! no grown adult should be hanging out/flirting with an adolescent girl, and it scares me that people defend him. like i said with ian, she was trying to fill a void. not only that, but she was mirroring fiona’s actions. she had seen her sister get into unhealthy relationships, so she did just. and the worst thing was debbie didn’t even like him, it was just comphet. so it was some adult with a one-sided crush on a teenager. creepy. at this time, frank was dying and fiona was working/locked up, she needed attention because she was lacking it, so she went to him for it because she knew he’d give her it.

lip’s situation i have less to say about because technically, he was an adult, but regardless, it was creepy as fuck. more so, his attachment to her was creepy. this is what happens when you get groomed, you grow attached. and lip was so fucking attached it destroyed him when she ignored him. like his siblings, this was to fill the void a parent created. but this time, frank isn’t responsible, monica is. i’ve never really spoken about this despite having a lot to say, but lip and monica’s relationship effects him a lot. i hate to say this, but he’s treated women like shit because of it (i’m not saying he always does, but he has- i’ll explain more in depth sometime) and his mother abandoning him clearly altered his perspective on women. i think that monica leaving made him (and every other sibling, especially debbie) grow attached easily, and i think it also made him lose respect for some women because he just saw his mom in them. i saw a post that explains this a lot better than i am right now so if i find it i’ll definitely link it so it makes more sense.

[cinamun]

I just got caught up and I am emotionally exhausted, the Drakes and friends are really going through it (I say this with glee). Some of the highlights for me were:

Bishop's Love Kills hoodie…

In the gif after Bishop sends the text, the animation got Jayce looking like Questlove lecturing; it don't hurt that he's thicc, too

The way Mercy called out Jackson after waking up disoriented and in pain, said too much

I howled when I saw the "He's dead" link for the previous one right under this pic with Bishop in the background; gotta give it up for environmental storytelling (we can dream).

Hope comforting Jayce by comparing their father's indiscretions

Charlie, bless his heart…

Okay, Amaya…

Damn, Mercy.

Dreams do come true~

Damn, Mercy.

Don't take it out on the child, Mercy.

Damn, Mercy.

Indya: "DJ if you're gay just say that. No need to throw us under the bus." 🤣

As soon as Charlie said that she always runs away, I started thinking, Dira can do what she wants as long as all parties are consenting, and I know she made it clear to the folks she got involved with, but I think that she should stop using people even if they want to be used. Don't be an enabler for unhealthy behavior… A lot went into the outlook she has on life now. She really wants it her way. But what is the "it"? Is it the control, is it the attention? Is she taking shit out on the wrong people? All of the above? She's drawing lines with her words but blurring them with her actions… This is not to say she can't get down with friends, but when you know they want what you don't, do everyone a favor and cut them loose. What's really going on in that child's head? And then, here you come with that scene!

Darren always running in those hard-ass soles.

I love how Darren and Indya's ways of counseling are different, but manage to fill in the blanks for the other.

Dira told Indya that she "went to bed" but, going by Charlie, looking exhausted like he really went through it, I wonder if that's the extent of it or has she lost time?

What's up with Jules offering a potential patient a drink before he learns what her vices are? It's not a date.

It's incredible that Mercy, Jayce, Eva, DJ, and Dira are all in reality's choke hold right now.

Mercy with this IDGAF attitude. I wish I could believe it was like a "finally free to be me" makeover, but it feels like she's preparing to be alone, she's pushing people away before she can be pushed.

Jayce having to a accept a whole lot of truths and being completely out of his depth with how to process it, mentally and emotionally; he's so used to knowing that he's just unsteady every step of the way through this, trying to hammer out one dent only to find that he created another.

Eva is taking a lot of this in stride because she's actively processing everything, but she's kept caring for her child front and center. Unlike her new big brother, she can't just come home and ignore her family and be forgiven for holing up in her head until she finds a modicum of clarity while her partner picks up the slack. So, she really has no choice but to keep it together. Though it doesn't hurt that she's pretty straightforward because it will save her a lot time since she'll have less BS to wade through.

Interestingly enough, DJ and Dira are in similar situations; they've both become the expectation vs reality meme. I understand their perspectives, though, kids have limited frames of reference, so if they don't copy the adults around, they are left with choosing between doing the opposite or taking a cue from elsewhere. It's obvious they both did the latter because I know the Drakes have definitely made it clear to their children that you are free to do what you like, but you have to accept the consequences as well. The twins are so much more alike than I thought they were. I don't think either one of them are wrong for wanting what they want, but they are definitely going about it in the wrong way, because any way that hurts other people (even if they stick around knowing they'll be hurt) is not the way to go.

I honestly thought I wouldn't have much to say because I feel so out of practice, but I was wrong. Thanx for still doing what you do, we're all better for it.

Also, I don't know if you know, but sometimes, just sometimes, liking your posts on cinamun.tumblr.com takes you to the top of the page.

Always a nice breakdown of events and I very much appreciate the real time reactions! There is certainly a lot to take in when it comes to Chapter 25. When it comes That Scene™, I hope that answered the questions you had about Dira choosing to be who she is and do what she wants. This is fiction, but in non-fiction real life, young girls get caught in horrible relationships, get hit with low self-esteem and even worse, all because other people's opinions have a profoud impact on their lives. Young women, especially young Black women, are scrutinized far worse for doing the most basic shit like being honest with their lovers about what they want.

That's why we needed that scene.

As for Jules, that's just who he is. He offered Darren a cigar imported from Sulani during his first visit. Its just The Doc™.

We'll be returning to those shenanigans soon enough though. Welcome back!

[lady-phenix]

Ooc post

So...theory time! After watching the new HB episode and doing some thinking, I have a theory as to what's going to happen in the finale and going into the next season.

Potential spoilers and a kinda personal rant below.

Let's get my rant out of the way first: please, for the love of all things holy/unholy, can we PLEASE stop infantilizing Stolas! This is getting to be so ridiculous its not even funny! For someone who says both characters were wrong, Vivienne is seriously babying Stolas and its frankly pissing me off. I feel bad for Brandon Rogers (I know he's one of the writers and he may have a hand in this but seriously bear with me), the voice of Blitz, because it seems everyone is fucking shitting on his character and blaming Blitz for literally everything. As a wanna be creative, I would never put one of my creative partners through that. And if I had to voice the proverbial punching bag for as long as he has, I probably would've left the project YEARS ago. Cause it's honestly bullshit. If both characters of blitz and stolas are supposed to be shitty, then why is Stolas' bad behavior not being addressed?! "Oh I never talked down to you!" Bull fucking shit Stolas! Bullshit, nonsense, and shenanigans! All at the same time!

This is not me entirely ripping on Stolas, he has potential. Hell he's the brother of my OC, but goddamn they need to stop treating him with kid gloves and call. Him. OUT! Goddamn fucking dammit, somebody call him out on his bullshit please!

Okay...rants out of the way, theory time.

That being said, I do think someone is gonna call him out on his bullshit. And it's gonna be none other than Octavia. Not on his behavior in regards to blitz (though she did kinda witness her dad's bs at loo-loo land) but in regards to how he treats her. She's going to give him the wake up call (and ass ripping) of a lifetime. And she's going to do it in public, potentially in front of the entire goetia and the seven deadly sins. Unfortunately this is gonna get dark, so if parental alienation is a trigger please don't read further. I'd rather not upset anyone. And please keep in mind this is only a theory, I don't actually know what's gonna happen.

Okay...so...ass ripping of a lifetime, calling him out on how he treats her in front of everyone. We haven't seen her the past few episodes, and we haven't actually seen her interact with Stella or Andrealphus. But if bitter divorce stories are, usually, anything to go by, those two are definitely practicing parental alienation. Maybe she's vented to them about what's going on with her and Stolas, and they see it as an opportunity to shit talk him in front of her. All the while they're actually treating her better, listening to her in hopes to get more information out of her to use against him. They essentially love bomb her and turn her against Stolas, dropping the bomb that Octavia was the result of an arranged marriage and that her parents never loved each other, but Stella "assures" Octavia that she loves her, and loves her FAR more Stolas ever could. Armed with more knowledge from Octavia, Andre and Stella use it against Stolas, and in front of the goetia, the sins, and everyone else, Octavia rips her dad a new one, tells him to fuck off and that he never loved her or her mother, that he only loves Blitz, and tells him she's done trying with him and is going to live with her mother and uncle.

It is going to be harsh.

It is going to be painful.

But goddamn it needs to be done. If Blitz is getting shit on for literally everything wrong in his relationship with Stolas, it's ONLY fair that Stolas takes the shit for his relationship with Octavia. Because at the end of the day, at least that's true and there's no gray area there. He's the adult, she's the child, it's up to him to actually try and have a relationship with her. And unfortunately it's going to start with a proverbial slap in the face, as it should. If blitz needs to learn to be a better partner/person, then that's only fair that Stolas needs to learn to be a better dad/partner/person.

Once again if Vivienne could stop babying stolas, and stop shitting on blitz for more than two seconds, we could actually get that ball rolling....

Again, this is not me really hating on Stolas. I like the owl boy, but the way he's being babied isn't right or fair to anyone else. It's bullshit and honestly, right now in my opinion, bad writing.

[elephant-in-the-pride-parade]

⭐️Star ⭐️

I think I'll dust off Eden's Deception for this one.

So what you'd never know about Eden's Deception is this story actually went through three drafts.

2018 - The romantic fluff fest hyperfocused on a J/C romance in their scifi "Garden of Eden" on my first rewatch of the series as a 25 y.o. i felt absolutely cheated and teased by the romantic undertones that this episode failed to fulfill. the first draft was wish fulfillment where they frollicked around new earth falling in love, but it kept getting disrupted by my impulse to write scenes with some very intense melancholy about being stranded. Think one second theyre cuddling on a home made couch making out and the next Kathryn is somberly assessing what would happen when one of the died and how she would bury his body all alone by herself. really sad shit. kept breaking the romantic story i had envisioned.

That first draft stalled completely when the romantic fantasy plot peaked at an accidental pregnancy. I was watching Call the Midwife at the same time (hollar at all the ways pregnancy can go wrong for older women with limited resources and no medical care) and I just could not figure out how to move forward with the romantic fluff tone when i had just put my character in this situation of functionally mortal peril. I put the draft down and had a long re-think.

2020: The second draft was a Viidian organ farm horror fic. Mid pandemic. I was very isolated. dark thoughts abounded. and I like everyone else got a crash course in virus behavior from the wall to wall news coverage. So I rewatched resolutions again and this time rather than the lack of romance it was the bullshit virus that needled me. Why had a virus that affected spacefarers evolved on a planet with no space faring civilization? Why was it's only symptom triggered outside the atmosphere? Why did the Viidiians have the cure. I tried to anwer that in the second draft, while still satisfying my wishfullfillment need to get Kathryn a baby. In that second Draft the vidiians had engineered the planet to be a tempting venus fly trap and the virus to first trap victims on the planet and then entice them to have a lot of sex and babies that the vidiians could swoop in and kidnap later. I'd intended pregnant Kathryn to go full rambo on their facility and somehow bs she and chakotay a way off the planet and back to the ship. but i never got that far. that draft was just a little too dark for what I wanted and also the idea of the show's modern vidiians forcing their prisoners to breed new organ donors the natural way seemed dreadfully inefficient for a species that had figured out how to create a whole ass klingon adult in a lab in a day from just half a dna strand. but I did like the idea that the virus was somehow their fault. and I was intrigued by the speculation that their organ harvesting plans might have started out on a much more accessible population than kidnapped passing spacefarers. so i hung onto those tidbits and some of the smut scenes too (one of the smut scenes from this draft became Fever actually).

The final draft was written in 2021. In the US we had the looming threat of losing protections from Roe by then and that really put a damper on my own baby fever. That and I had by then watched like 7 seasons of call the midwife. So suffice to say I had come to see new earth baby was just a horror fic waiting to happen, and felt like Kathryn would just never go through with that while stranded or in the captain's chair. So I had Kathryn put a new earth baby in long term stasis for Parent Trap and I did away with the concept in Eden entirely.

Having also experienced two years of people trying to control a real pandemic by then the vidiians approach to the phage continued to facinate me. I don't think I would have come up with the idea of the New Earth virus as a quarentine measure otherwise. Creating a plot for Chakotay and his own skill set also helped bring the whole thing together. I let the potential of a maquis freedom fighter out to play to create a solution that was definitely the best option and definitely not starfleet sanctioned. He flies under the radar as a self-sacrificing maverick given how often it's Janeway pulling out the big guns. But he absolutely also is one. And that was really fun to explore.

Ultimately I think you see undercurrents of the first 2 drafts in the final story. The romantic yacht that they sail back to Voyager in certainly harkened back to the fluffier iteration. I really was very pleased with how it turned out. Rereading it two years later there isnt much that i would change. And that makes me really proud of it. I loved writing a mystery. I loved exploring a more mature and measured version of a romance. I loved bringing the science into it! (and I lucked out having someone with an anthropology/archeology background betaing it)

One thing I would change is the inclusion of some of Chakotays spiritual elements. It was kinda a trend at the time to have him say "Spirits" in lieu of saying "Oh, God" as a way to honor whatever indigenous beliefs he is supposed to have (as we all know theyre very mismashed/made up/etc.) and to show he wasnt from a judeo-christian background. I've realized that was quite foolish now. Saying "Spirits" doesn't come from the show or from any actual native american tradition that I can find. I'd just have him say "God" or swear or something completely different now. In the same vein I want to eventually go back and edit the vision quest scene. I've grappled for years with how much of his canon beliefs to include since theyre all appropriated from different nations or just made up whole cloth. Vision quests aren't something I have personal knowledge of and not something I can research or give the appropriate respect to. So I think that while I might still have him leave their campsite to do one, I'd change the vision/memory itself into a dream, similar to the way his flashbacks to the war worked in a later chapter.

[gale-gentlepenguin]

Gale Reviews: ML Season 5 episode 21 Confrontation

Spoilers below

-Ohhh okay, starting out with the drama bomb

-So for those that forgot (Like me) Gabriel is sending adrien to London for Private school. And Adrien cant fill out the orientation form because of it

-Plagg... My boy. No cheese jokes.

-So all the students are stressed about the meeting

-Oh so Marinette also got the guilt that now that Lila is the class rep there will be some fishy business.

-Yea the jobs are what I would expect for Nino and Alya

-Ivan out here showing himself to be loyal af. All other men need to step up their game. Mylene showing ambition.

-Juleka wants to be a mortician. Sticking to your asthetic, but didnt she want to model? Or was it just to help her get out of her shell. Meh

-Sabrina wants to be a nurse,

-Yea, Marinette's worries are justified

-Chloé and Lila having Opposite goals, one doesnt care because she is rich, Lila basically wants to "Resolve everything" but thats a lie

-Adrienette cuteness!

-Adrien, you are going to have to tell her eventually

-You can screen shot this and write "Moments before a disaster" and it would be accurate

-And they are shredding them. Im not even surprised

-"In case of a problem, blame it on your predecessor." Its nice to know kids shows are accurately explaining politics to children for once.

-"Its gonna hurt people?" THATS 90% OF THE S*** CHLOÉ HAS YOU DO! NOW YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT?

-Also Sabrina being a whistle blower is TOO on the nose, even for this show.

-Principal damocles is going to find out about the resistance! Wait, is he cool with it? He actually covered for them. I guess being a hero has helped you be less of a jerk... BUT I still am not cool with the BS from episode 14. You are on VERY thin ICE Owl man

-The class wants to go to the same school together, thats sweet

-Oh, that call must have been Sabrina. But we will see

-Oh right, Adrien still hasnt filled out his form

-Welp now he did

-But now I believe this is where all the pennies drop

-Why is there a just a random ass toilet trailer? Is that really the only bathroom in the school?

-Adrien exhibiting true AND KEN behavior.

-Lila once again proving that all the adults in this show are idiots. Bustier does seem at least a little bit suspect tho

-It is interesting to see how the teachers are. Bustier is suspect of it since she knows her students, Damocles is being his best to be supportive and Mendelev doesnt give a f***

-Juleka already repeated a year, thus confirming Luka and her as twins via the retcon

-Cue the reactions

-Juleka is gonna get akumatized...

-Monarch must have a guy that writes all of these speeches for him to speak before he does this.

-Yea I know Rose was trying, but yea. If I was repeating a year. I would NOT be in a mode to try and be positive.

-And she gets Roarr

-WHY IS ALWAYS REFLEKTA THO?

-Bustier realize she let this happen

-Lucky charm is tape.

-"You cant touch the bakers, I love their croissants to much" and their daughter. You forgot that last part chat noir

-SO THATS WHAT HAPPENS IF TWO FALCON PUNCHES COLLIDE?

-Wait... thats it? That barely lasted 2 minutes. and the episode isnt over.

-Monarch thinks there will be more akuma soon. I see

-Chloé and Lila really pulling this crap

-Oh they remember how Sabrina can forge handwritings and thus Marinette isnt going to get in trouble. And Chloé throws her under the bus

-Lila and Chloé really didnt expect Sabrina to turn Whistle blower on them. Chloé I get, because Sabrina has been loyal dog for years and the writing for her has Chloé have the mental capacity of a parsnip since season 4.

-Okay Lila that was well played lie right there. That is A tier gaslighting.

-I will give this scene credit, Lila is absolutely HORRIFYING. I can see the next season's main villain already. Since I assume Gabriel is probably dying this season.

-Chloé out here being a dumbass

-Sabrina you sly dog, you got her Monologue-ing

-Sabrina I put you as the least favorite classmate after episode 14, but now I gotta retcon that. Sure it was messed up what you helped chloé with. But that absolute MASTERY of playing Lila. Just, Chef's kiss. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

-Sabrina and Marinette's plan worked. Also, Mr.Damocles was okay with that?

-Ah so none this matters. Because Andre is also being whipped.

-Damocles looking like he cant take the bulls*** anymore and Monarch ready to capitalize on it

-The magic reacts to emotion, which means... IF the person is strong enough emotionally to resist it. Then the charm has a purpose

-Lila just straight up left.

-CHAT NOIR! But he is making it worse

-JULEKA! This moment probably will not have as much impact as it does in any other dub. French dub superiority

-OOOO it makes a shield that purifies the mega akuma. Neat

-Monarch crying like a bitch

-Damocles finally standing up to Andre. Good on him

-Damocles going out like a G.

-Chat noir telling ladybug what happened and her having to act like she didnt know

-Bustier calling Chloé in.

-"You cant expell me." "Nah bitch, thats a problem for you." is how I saw that exchange

-LILA WAS WEARING A WIG! I KNEW SHE WAS A FAKE B****

-HER NAME IS CERISE?

______________________________________________________

WELL that was a lot.

So i think part of me really likes this episode, but also doesnt.

I like that Lila finally got exposed and Damocles got his redemption for his failures of the past. Going out like a G.

But all this stuff with Lila having ANOTHER life. Thats just nuts.

so overally 7/10

I will do a review of Collusion tomorrow

[bunnygirl678]

reminising on family bs below just felt like babbling so no need to read unless youre nosy lol

So I'm pretty much no contact with my mother and I very rarely speak to my father, and it's funny because they both think it's because of one very specific thing they did, where they went on vacation instead of taking me to the hospital, but like i'd already decided once i was gone i was gone.

but like one of the last straws for me was when i was 14 or 15 i started getting chronic hives, and instead of taking me to the doctor they were like 'oh it's prolly the detergent or static guard we use' and i'm like okay can we get a different one, and they're like 'no we like it, you can get your own and do your own laundry' but i was like 15 and couldn't drive, and we lived in the country so the closest store was a 10 mile drive, and i don't know how to ride a bike so, and i didn't have a job past babysitting, anyway after a year of hives to the point where if anything touched me i would break out (we used to draw cuss words and dicks on my arms and they'd raise up but then be hella itchy) they finally took me to the doctor and i got a blood test and they were like oh you're allergic to everything, take these pills and don't eat this stuff, but my parents refused to buy the wheat free food i was supposed to eat because apparently I was a "picky eater" like they just wanted me to eat iceburg lettuce salads? idk anyway i got on allergy pills and was okay after that, but still.

like that was just one thing, and like my ex could never understand why i didn't want to be around them,

also my parents played blantant favortism with my sister, my mother especially like anyone i was friends with besides one specific person (who didn't even go to my school) my mother would make it very clear she did not approve of them, but like wanted my sisters friends to call her mom, it was just weird. And she would say my sister was smarter than me, which no... Like i had undiagnosed adhd never paid attention in class waited to the last minute to do anything and still made better grades in more advanced classes than my sister, like i graduated top 10, got into all the schools i appplied to and was almost full ride to the school i ended up at, i ended up paying like 2k over all 4 years.

anyway i'm not really bitter anymore, and it's not my sister's fault that she was treated better so i don't have issues with her as an adult, but like it's just funny to me that my mother literally told my aunt that the reason i hate her is because they went on vacay instead of the hospital when i was dying. (which is another story for another post also hey it's been 13 years since then this month wooooo)

[fatummortem]

Hey everyone, I'm very sorry for going quiet for so long, I wasn't expecting it honestly & I'm sadly not back. Work, planning & adapting to family drama has kept me extremely busy over the last few months, unfortunately. Well to put it mildly. I am in my own apartment if I hadn't said, however the kiddo will be coming 6 months to a year ahead of schedule & arriving by the end of next month. \o/ That is the positive from everything going on.

If you want a more detailed thing about the gaslighting or bs that's been going on click the read more. If not. No harm. I do make jokes about my family trauma bullshit, to help myself deal with it. Fair warning.

So the least BS of everything is that I've currently turned into the only opener at work during the weekdays. If I'm not working I'm trying to plan things so everything is good for when Jynx, the kidddo, comes to live here. Except each time I rearrange my plan my mom finds some excuse to move the date up, while I'm getting reports my mom will not provide hair cuts, deoderant or medical attention. Well my mom said once they just gone to the docs but one times i just had to respond with 'You do realize I've been on the phone with her all morning right?'

Other than that I've felt I've been playing a chess game against a hacker, Where they transform a Pawn into a Queen in the middle of the board. Because whenever I get everything situated she just has to alter it and move up the bloody date while I keep my child's mental health up, figure out what i need to BUY and other sane things.

Then a few nights ago happened. My Mother, got into it over a day old dirty pan. Both sides from the sounds of it were way outta line arguing with each other. But once the pan was cleaned & dried, my child wanted ice cream. Because the pan was not put away, my mother in her infinite wisdom, thought it smart to reach around my child, try to wrestle it from her. So my child headbutted her and got a hit to the head for her trouble. To me the headbutt is self defense. Course i was at work, acting like an adult when this went down, got off with messages from both so I of course CALLED MY CHILD.

I ended up chatting with my kid calming her down, y'know because i'm a parent. At the same time I was helping a friend clean an area of his place, to help him with his mental health. we started at like 4:40pm and didn't finish until 10pm. So I was like "i ain't dealing with your shit.' I told her I'd try calling her after work. Because who wants that kind of conversation before work. Because y'know being calm is something I'd like to be so this doesn't blow up worse than it already is.

So I check my phone mid-day, when I'm finally able to take a break, apparently because I didn't respond and call her RIGHT THAT SECOND OR WHEN i AWOKE, my child would be put into jail if i didn't magically shit out a plan to move her (it's a thirty hour drive alright. I moved that fair away, yes i did). Course when i started getting things in order, the jail BS was put to the way side. But dear old mommy wanted an 'I'm sorry' because i didn't get her side of it from her panic attack inducing text messages while i was at work.

And I'm amazed & flabbergasted that I was informed my mom's arms are too short to reach around my child to wrestle her, that no the headbutt happened in a different time and MY CHILD TRIED TO BODY SLAM MY FATHER. See I still haven't gotten an answer on how the headbutt happened.

So once I was able to calm from my panic attack, the rage (i so raged and i so terribly hate raging), i sat here and tried to put my head around my 5 foot 86, POUNDS, XS wearing, 18 year old child trying to BODY SLAM my 5'9 broad shoulder, fuck if i know his poundage, slightly chunky 75 year old father I about died. She does have some Karate under her belt, when she WAS 14 YEARS OLD. She made it to yellow belt and got stuck there because she kept getting into it with my mom and they took the next belt from her and i was just 'DO THEY TEACH BODY SLAMMING FOR THAT?'

Needless to say I'm still working on getting things planned for Jynx to get here, EVEN THOUGH I WAS GOING TO BUY A BED TWO MONTHS FROM NOW. trying to figure out what the shit to buy & I have yet to respond to my mother's tale. mainly for the fact i'm so tempted to ask her if she appeared in the move 'Meet the Robinsons.'

[powerpolyculeshowdown]

OOO ok, been scrolling through some asks and i am so ready to spout some more bs bc i love orv with my whole heart and i haven’t even finished the novel.

to the anon that described yoohankim as: “ They are all supremely flawed people who started at each other’s throats and misunderstand each other consistently and repeatedly but work past it anyway with a kind of reckless devotion one can only have after seeing people at their worst and realizing you love them anyway,” holy shit, thank you, you are so real, you’ve put them and my own thoughts into words i would have never thought of on my own, i think this is just what makes yoohankim so attractive to me in the first place. extremely flawed people with reckless devotion, seeing someone at their worst and deciding you still love them,,,,, what if they were actually love wins but like literally,,,,,, bc it’s their love that allows them to persevere,,,

ALSO !!! to add and explain the idea of expanding the polycule. orv’s strong point is rlly their characters and the relationships between them, which is how you get stuff like the whole group being one huge platonic happy family and the other extreme side with all of the adults in the group are in a huge polycule. their relationships r flexible in a way that they can be platonic or romantic and it wouldn’t be much of a stretch either way.

anyways i had this whole section spouting some bs abt jhw (holy shit french keyboard let me write jhw challenge) and hsy but then i realized i didn’t want to talk too much abt characters that aren’t involved in the tournament and you won’t be able to recognize. but just note that jhw and hsy has a nice dynamic bc they are like similar but different to me in a way idk how to explain. they are opposing but they are on the same side. also also, ysa and kdj being metamours (IS THAG THE WORD I CANT REMEMBER) bc i thought abt that while writing and went “they would be such chill metamours”

ik all of this is slightly off topic of yhk but i just wanted to add my two cents. anyways i noticed yhk is up against scc and i am literally sweating. i am passionate and ready to defend and advocate for yhk but i can tell thisll be a TOUGH battle. but besides that, regardless of what comes out of it, i need to say how much i respect the scc fans on the this again. they’ve really persevered through it all and came out friends with like two other groups it’s amazing honestly -Toon

metamours is correct! a friend of mine jokingly called it partner in law once and i thought it was funny so theres that also? if u wanna laugh w me

i like that scc fans have been like "oh no yoohankim is a strong opponent this might be it...." but this time its an orv fan sayin "oh gosh we're against scc" its funny that both fandoms underestimate their own power (imo) and i feel better about the match up, i think it will be a closer match than ppl expect!! but we have to wait and see

[lucysweatslove]

So after my other assessment about a month ago I called a psych NP to medically address the ADHD… I wanted to see somebody outside of my hospital group because 1) I didn’t want to have to go through my PCP (who, for the last three years, has refused to even consider I might be ADHD, let alone the potential autism) and 2) I might have rotations at the hospital and I wanted to keep my own medical stuff independent from the people who are required to assess me and give me grades.

Anyway she didn’t call me back for like 3 weeks, but she DID call me last week and I met with her this Tuesday. Yay, right?

And while she is operating under the belief that I likely DO have ADHD, she wants formal neuropsych testing (you know, like the computer based TOVA thing, I think, and other assessment tools). I was referred out AGAIN, and I think Thursday THAT provider called me back. I set up an appointment for this upcoming Friday, and now I can’t remember when I see the psych NP again, but we are actually going somewhere.

And I’m a little scared?

Like what if the testing doesn’t show enough impairment and thus they don’t think I have ADHD? I did the CAARS scale already online to prep for it, and since I don’t really have strong emotional lability and pretty much no anger, and I’m very much inattention and no hyperactivity, which may be not enough. Like I’m just not inattentive ENOUGH. If I was just a little hyperactive or had just a little more anger it would be enough, but it’s not enough now. And if it’s not enough will they try to give some other BS reason why I do what my husband calls “squirreling?” (which is when I start a project or a task, get distracted, get distracted from my distraction, get distracted from THAT distraction, and eventually I have done maybe 5% of 50 different tasks that I haven’t finished and I’m so tired and burnt out I need a nap).

The rational mind says “it’s so classic inattentive ADHD; of course testing will show it,” but the fearful part of me just says nope, the problem is you, you don’t try hard enough, you don’t have grit, that’s why everything is harder, and they will tell you that and leave you on your merry way to tell your husband it turns out you just suck and if he wants to have a happier home divorce may be required because why stay with somebody who can’t just choose to be a normal functioning adult. (Yes this is catastrophizing).

This doesn’t even touch the autism part. Which since I don’t think that needs any treatment, I wasn’t seeking anything about that with psych NP and she didn’t include it on the referral. It’s not that I hide it, I disclose it to my medical team, I just am not coming into the appointments with anything autism-related as my “chief complaint.”

But I’m also a little concerned that the neuropsychologist is going to blame EVERYTHING on the autism, and then say there isn’t anything I can do to treat it, so now it’s at least not my fault but I don’t have much hope of being successful because I just have to live with it and work within my means which at this point in time maybe I can do med school or maybe I’ll struggle with focus so much alongside the, you know, stress of being autistic and having my cohort know something is “off” about me but it’s not SO obvious that they’re nice because they know it’s autism and instead they just avoid me because I’m weird (and yes I’m catastrophizing again)

Also also my car still has its snow tires on, so my husband tried to get an appointment to swap them out, but they are booked for over a month… so instead he is dropping it off Monday and they will do it whenever they get around to it which could take all week. Not that I’m ungrateful to them always being able to work my car in for tire changes, but our other car is a manual, which I can’t drive, so I’ll be stuck at home. I also didn’t get a say in this so it was just thrust on me like “oh btw starting Monday morning you can’t go anywhere for an indefinite amount of time that you have no control over.”

Which is also an issues because Thurs and Fri I was too distracted with assessment intake paperwork and disorganized to get myself into the gym so I was really hoping to go on my normal days next week, but alas.

It’ll probably all be fine. I’ll get my car back on Wednesday or maybe Thursday morning and just miss another couple days. The neuropsych assessment will be fine because I AM disorganized and distractible with attentional control issues. And even if the NP requires I start with Strattera (nobody in my family with ADHD has had success with it), I’ll still be one step closer to medical management to actually help me function better.

[selkies-song]

CW: general family drama bs, alcoholism, emotional manipulation, etc please feel free to scroll by, I just need to dump this latest load of crap into the void. So my brother and I got to our cousin’s funeral services early Saturday morning. 

Our parents’ truck was there but we didn’t see them right away in the main hall. We said hello to our various aunts and uncles and our grandfather and what not. They all were friendly enough. Parents and obscure adult cousin(?) that mom is latched on to for the moment come in just as the services start. They sit down. Mom is right next to me. The room gets quiet as the pastor goes to the front. Mom suddenly says “I love you”. Loudly. Twice. Much to many folks’ obvious confusion. I ask her who she’s talking to, because it was just really bizarre. My aunt. She was saying it to my aunt (her little sister) who is in an entirely different section of seating and apparently not speaking to her for the time being (can’t imagine why /s).  Cue some waterworks because I reacted awkwardly to this behavior. And then more mewling when I didn’t respond favorably to her juvenile jab at a completely different aunt’s hairstyle.  At one point she outright asks if I’m embarrassed by her. I hesitantly told her I was. Something something “that’s okay because you’ve never been in this kind of situation” something something...because of course the reason I can’t empathize is because I am capable of having a healthy relationship with my siblings, and that I don’t feel the need to use someone’s funeral as an opportunity to engage in petty high school bullshit. The problem couldn’t possibly be her /s Then the reception comes and we sit together and here’s my brother and I trying to have a normal conversation with our parents. Mom keeps roadblocking said conversation with random, insecure outbursts about her siblings interacting with each other in other parts of the room and “how dare aunt so-and-so not speak to me, she owes me an apology for x thing that happened at least 5 years ago now, blah blah blah.” Every time this happens we all just sit in awkward silence for a bit. Eventually we give up trying to hold a conversation, and then mom leaves for ‘some air’ (code: to go smoke and sulk in the truck). We hang back to start cleaning up. In her absence, our aunts and uncles come over to chit chat and say some goodbyes. This is something of a relief as it seems like maybe they aren’t holding her behavior against the rest of us, anymore.  Obscure cousin suddenly comes in asking where mom is because they can’t find her. I go out to the parking lot. The truck is gone. At this point I am livid/freaking out because my first thought is that she’s gone to get smashed, as this is a move she’s been pulling for at least the last year. And frankly she probably shouldn’t be driving anyways because if she isn’t drunk, she’s usually on something else. 

I go back in and tell dad that she’s taken the truck and gone somewhere. My dad--who is typically quiet and gentle--cursed and threw the plastic utensil he was using to scrape spilled chocolate off the counter. I honestly thought he was going to start crying. I make sure he’s okay and then I go back outside to call her.

I leave a message threatening that if she comes back smelling like alcohol, I am never speaking to her again.  She comes back apparently fine. With a drink (that I took a sip up to verify it was just soda), claiming she just went for a drive to blow off steam. In fact, she’s almost outright giddy for the rest of the afternoon. Because she got a reaction out of us, if I had to guess. We met her and dad at a diner for HER birthday Sunday morning. She smelled of alcohol. Y’all, it was 8:30 AM. At least she showed up, I guess.  I sincerely wish he’d leave her. This isn’t fair. She’s never going to change and she’s going to kill him at this rate and it just isn’t fair. 

My father deserves so much better than this.

[cariboll]

I know the likelihood of a real human being reading this is slim (my 5 most recent followers all appear to be porn bots), but Twitter is too limiting and most of my socials are guaranteed to involve someone who knows my parents (and is still an active or semi-active user) reading this. I need to be depressing for a bit. So here goes...

I finished grad school in September and graduated with my master’s degree in film in December. I’ve been applying for as many jobs as I can since October, but it’s been hard because I have a physical disability and so many of the job ads have ableist language that I don’t feel comfortable applying. And I have really bad anxiety over applying for jobs anyway. I’ve never been very good at finding jobs to begin with, and I always seem to do things wrong when it comes to applying or doing the interview (if I even get that far).

I’ll be 35 in a few months and I’ve never had an actual, full time, not-a-temp-or-on-call-job type of job in my life. I know the pandemic has fucked things up for everyone (FYI, we ARE still in a pandemic and everyone who is able to should be wearing a mask when in public). But I need a job. I need to be doing something, preferably creative or in a history-related field (I got my bachelor's in history in December 2021), but it doesn't seem like I am able to get to that point. And it hurts. I feel like a failure (do NOT give me that BS about how there is no set timeline for things, because we all know that that doesn't matter to the people who run things in the world).

On top of the not being able to get a job (I've applied to 20 since October and thus far gotten 7 rejections and 2 we've decided to stop looking" emails), I am lonely. And this loneliness is not related to the pandemic. It's always been there. I have never been someone who gets invited out much, even before I started using a crutch and having problems walking up stairs (down stairs is much easier). The fantasy scenarios in my head are more social than my real life. Most of the time I don't miss being alone, but loneliness is a separate thing, an entity so large and all-consuming that it hides you in its shadow.

Everything seems so much harder when you are stuck at or below the ground level of being an adult.

If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading. If you know me, please don't tell my family about this post; my parents and extended family are dealing with stuff right now and this will just pile it on. I'm not interested in "un-aliving" myself, as I've seen people say on the internet. I just had to get this out, somewhere.